The truth is sometimes hard, really hard. The truth is that we are experiencing major struggles with our oldest and that as I type this, he is living with my mom, not here. I don’t know if that is something that is temporary (as of tonight, it will be three weeks), or more permanent. I do know that it has been painful and that I have come to rely on God in the past three months more than I ever have before.
Many years ago, I made a choice that I would not go public with some of the struggles we were having with this child because I wanted to respect his privacy, I didn’t want others judging him, and if he decided to turn his life around, I didn’t want him haunted by words that live forever in cyber space. I do feel that it was the right decision and I stand by it, but it is also a decision that in some ways, makes it harder for me because people do not understand how we got here and there will be people who judge without knowing the full truth. There are a few things that I do want to say in case there are others going through similar struggles who will feel like they are not alone if I share.
I feel like a huge failure as a parent. I know logically that there is nothing we could have done differently. We have tried everything over the years…counselling, seminars, camps, homeschooling, school, prayer, books, more prayer, more counselling, assessments, professional advice, desperate pleas in place of prayer, and we have still gotten here.
I look back and know that we weren’t perfect parents (and still aren’t). He was our oldest, our guinea pig. When he was younger, The Husband and I fought in front of him. We weren’t always consistent in our discipline. We were too strict about some things and not strict enough about others. But even if I analyze every little thing, I know that there is nothing we could have changed that would have changed the outcome. Though I feel guilt because I am human, the logic tells me that there isn’t any one thing that we did or didn’t do that got us here.
One of the other things I struggle with in this is how others will now assume that his struggles were because of our adoptions or because of us having a large family. I know that people like to tie things up into packages and top them with a bow and that is what they will want this to fit into. We know that that is not the case. We began having struggles when he was 2. We had his first assessment done when he was 5. This was all before we started fostering, before our first adoption. If anything, the adoptions bought us more time. His trip to Ethiopia with The Husband last year (which would not have happened without the most recent adoption) was so good for him and for the relationship between the two of them. He is also more compassionate and less selfish than he would have been had it not been for all of the adoptions. As for the large family, we have always made sure that each of our kids get ample attention and one-on-one time and of all the kids, he has had the most of it. I would even venture to say that he has perhaps had more attention than he would have if we just had two kids and were therefore not making a concerted effort to make the time.
But I know that there will be people who say things like, “well I knew of a family who adopted a bunch of kids and it ruined one of their bio. kids” and that kills me. I know that it will happen regardless of what I say and that many of the people who say it in the years to come won’t even have met us. As an adoption advocate, it hurts me to think that our family’s story could be used as a deterrent for others. I have no control over what people say or choose to believe, but it is hard for me to know that given human nature, those words will likely be spoken. (for the record, I also hate the word “ruined” and our son’s life is far from “ruined”)
So, that is a tiny glimpse of what we have been walking through the past few months. It has been a very painful time and there has been a lot of worry and anguish, but for me, it has been a time where I have pulled closer to God and chosen to believe the words shared with me by 3 people who have walked this road before me: ”God is faithful”. When I spoke to a dear friend who has walked a similar road with some of her kids, she told me that God is faithful, that God will pursue him, that my job is to pray for him. Later that week, in speaking to a family member who watched her son choose a difficult road, she spoke the same words. And finally, in speaking to that boy, now a grown man who has turned his life around and is living for Christ, he also spoke of God’s faithfulness and the importance of his parent’s prayers. So I feel like I have been given a road map that is hard to follow, but proven true.
Finally, I want to say that it feels very vulnerable for me to go public with this. I know that this will likely shatter the image many have of our family and I am somewhat grateful for that because perfection is impossible to live up to, but I am also feeling raw and when I chose to share the situation with a friend a few weeks ago, her response and words were so hurtful that I have only told one person since then. What I am saying is that I am not up to handling harsh comments at the moment. We need support. We need prayer. Our son needs prayer. Prayers appreciated. Judgement, not so much.
Whatever your true struggle has been this week: a cluttered house, yelling at your kids, battling your weight, harbouring resentment towards a sister-in-law, taking out your frustrations on your husband, feeling guilt over the unfinished lists, refusal to forgive, distance in your relationship with God, feeling inadequate, feeding your kids cereal for supper, having unmet expectations, wishing for something you can’t have, not teaching your kids, skipping church, cutting someone off in traffic, being choked by anger, ignoring your responsibilities, wearing dirty socks because there’s no clean laundry… join in the Truth Tuesday link up.
Sharla you are a BLESSING! we are to share our burdens with each other. You sharing does notmake your seem less perfect. It makes you seem more real.
Dr Dobson has a great analology about parenting. He siad if you take a bunch of balloons and fill them all up with hellium and then let them go ,some are going to SOAR off into the clouds and reach for the stars, others will get caught in treess and get stuck there, some might pop.
The same is true for kids. You are putting the same thing into them but some get caught in trees.
It is NOT you!
You are amazing! your family is amazing! GOD BLESS you for your honesty
Thanks Karen! How is it that you always know just what to say?!
Dear Lord
I just pray for Sharla and Mark and family. First off Lord I pray for protection over this family. The enemy is alive and well and wanting to devour and tear apart families. We just come against him right now. BIND his mouth LORD! STOP him from telling lies and whispering words of failure and discouragement into this family/community.
God they are doing so much for you and your children and the enemy HATES that.
Fill this family LORD with your HOPE LOVE AND PEACE.
I pray a blessing upon Sharla’s mom for her loving heart as well.
I also pray for their oldest son LORD. OPEN his eyes and heart to you LORD. I pray for protection upon him as he chooses the paths he does. Keep him safe Lord. I also claim the promise for them as you raise a child in the ways of the Lord he will not depart from it. WE CLAIM that promise LORD. He may be wandering a little and off path but we KNOW he will come back to you!
Draw people alongside of this family to encourage them and pray for them. Like Aaron and Hur did with Moses. When his arms got tired they helped him keep them up.
Fill this family with your PEACE and LOVE. IN JESUS NAME
AMEN!!!!!
I’m feeling for you. Thanks for sharing so honestly. There will always be people who judge and say the wrong thing, and I’m learning to tune them out as much as possible and stay focused on the big picture.
Sometimes I find my expectations to be the hardest thing about parenting. I want my kids to conform, to make choices as I would make them, and to not embarrass me. But then I realize that they are walking their own journey, just as I am walking mine, and they must be allowed the freedom to make their own mistakes, and try new things, and I must also withhold judgement and provide as much love and kindness as I can.
There is a pressure sometimes, particularly in Christian circles, to present kids who are dutifully following God and doing and saying all the “right” things. I think this pressure is stifling and unfair to all concerned. Sometimes veering off the traditional path and finding our own relationship with God and discovering who we really are is a wonderful thing, even if it is rocky and painful at the time.
There are never any clear answers in these situations. Keep doing what you are doing, and loving all of your children, and letting them have the freedom they need to find God and themselves. It’s so hard to trust in the process and not despair. I’ll be praying for you. Stand firm and stay true to yourself and your family dynamic, no matter what anyone else may say.
I feel the pressure for sure and I agree with you about my own expectations being hard to reconcile with the reality. Thanks Julianne.
Hi Sharla,
I guess this is many momma’s weak spot. The mommy guilt. I hope that the resources are there for healing in this for all of you. Also, no judgement. None. Parenting is a tough gig with no guarantees. We have seen this type of pattern with a few young men and most of them are now living wonderful, Godly, kind lives in which they are giving to those that need them. You are right, God will chase him. The rest of us get to pray.
Hugs,
T
Thank you for the encouragement Tova and for taking the time out to write when I am sure that you are exceptionally busy right now.
Hi Sharla,
No judgement from me, that’s for sure.
Great analogy up there ^^^ about the balloons. I often remind myself (because I have one balloon who tends to veer towards the trees) that my children are only mine temporarily; they belong to God, first and foremost. I need to do the best job as a Mom that I can — but really I’m just the supervisor of this business, not the CEO. I can teach and pray and love and discipline and feed them organic whole-grain bread, but that’s about it: it’s God who is sovereign, not me. I can lead them to the water and facilitate their spiritual growth and development, but I cannot make them drink.
God loves our kids more than we do, and He’s the one who’s in total control. The tough stuff that our kids go through happens for their benefit (1 Cor 4), and ultimately for God’s glory. One day your son will be giving his testimony of God’s faithfulness that pursued him through his rebellion and wandering. God is mighty to save; He’s faithful, He’s kind, He’s sovereign and full of grace.
I’ll pray, too.
xoxo
I am clinging right now to this all being part of his powerful testimony one day. It’s easy to pray prayers of protection for our kids, but not so easy to pray the “take them to whatever places you need to for them to grow in You and for Your glory” ones! Thank you Gwen.
I am sorry you had harsh words from someone, that is horrible. I can only imagine the Mommy Guilt you are feeling right now. For someone to say anything that would hurt at a time like this… it is just unfathomable. I hope you find some peace, and I hope your whole family finds peace and balance again.
Thanks Shelley. I find that I’ve been a bit of a hermit since that happened and have been mostly avoiding people, but now that it’s “out there”, some of the power of the secret has been taken away and I am actually about to take the kids grocery shopping and to run errands, so that’s a step in the right direction.
Sadly we have been sick all week or I would invite you over with the kids to visit. I wouldn’t want to risk passing it on to Grace. Maybe once we are over this cold?
Dear sweet Sharla,
my prayers are so much with you. I appreciate so much the courage it took to share this, and I am grateful you did. I think, especially as Christians, that we so often fail to really uphold each other when times are REALLY hard. We share the surfacey stuff and keep up a nice, happy facade when in reality life is really, really hard and we are supposed to be able to share it with each other, and count on being heard and cared for and upheld. I am so sorry that the friend that you shared it with responded so badly. That would have hurt me so much..especially because you picked one you thought it would be “safe” to share with.
I will be praying for your whole family. I think we can “do it all right” and still, our kids are their own people and make their own choices and we are just here to steward them the best that we can thru His grace. Praying for your son, for you and your hubby, for the younger kids as well as you walk thru this time.
I’m so glad, though, that he has the safety of your mom’s..that he is somewhere that you know he is safe and cared for, even if right now it is not with you. My heart aches for you, but know you are loved and prayed for and we will be upholding you in prayer. darci
Thank you Darci for the prayers and for your words.
HI Sharla! You and your family – I hold precious in my heart and will always admire and respect everything that goes on, the hardships and the joys! Love you! God Bless. oxo PS So happy you have shared and will be getting out of that hermit feeling too. Life is so precious, I hope you feel loved and comforted in the arms of God and all who surround you today as you step out to get your groceries and all. oxo
Thank you Shereen! Life is too precious to stay in my house worrying about what other people think of me or what they are saying about me! I think it will feel good to get out and face the world!
Sharla:
Thanks so much for your honesty in what you are dealing with. It is good for others to know parenting isn’t always happy and fun. It is hard work.
You are doing everything you can to help your son. It is now up to him to decide how he can help himself. He knows he has you there in the wings. He needs to make decisions and be able to deal with the consequences equally. He will learn. He might make mistakes and wrong turns but he will come out the side. I believe that.
People will judge. They always do. But so what! Only you know the full story. We always judge ourselves the hardest too so go easy on yourself.
Remember, you have done what you were supposed to and sometimes things don’t always go the way we want but we have to step back, have faith, and say a prayer.
Rana
P.S. I hope that made sense.
Thanks Rana (and yes, it made sense!)
Thank you for sharing Sharla. It just makes me love you even more. I hope that the huge weight has been lifted off your shoulder. I would be honored to pray for you guys daily.
Jennifer, your offer of prayer made me feel pretty emotional. I would really appreciate it. Thank you.
Just sent you an email, Sharla. But I’ll repeat here part of what I’ve emailed…
I know about first born sons, having one myself, and I know that we would give our life blood for them if we could protect them. There’s not one little bit of me that thinks you’ve done less than your utmost for your boy. And his story hasn’t ended yet, my friend – there’s much more to be written there yet, and God’s still got a plan for his life…a good one, designed to give him hope and a future.
Sharla, I will continue to pray for you and all of yours. Thanks for sharing bits of your journey…my hats off to you for that.
Blessings, and hugs,
Ruth
Ruth, I am e-mailing you back right after I reply here, but thank you. I need hourly reminders about God’s plan for his life and have clung to that verse more than ever lately.
Sharla, this was really well written, and I’m so glad that you were able to post it. I hope that you feel a huge burden lifted off your shoulders now that it is “out there” for the world to read. I personally don’t care to relate to people who have had “perfect” lives – they are boring and usually lying. Being real is tough (and sometimes embarrassing) but I trust that, while these are your son’s bad decisions, God is more than able to bring blessing and healing from this time. I pray that you continue to experience this deep closeness with God as you cling to him. <3
Thank you Denise and I so appreciate your friendship, especially with you knowing the way less than perfect real me!!!
Lots of prayers going your way!! Thinking of all of you,
Michelle
Thanks Michelle!
Sharla,
This post really struck a chord with me. As a teenager, I also left home and went to live with my Grandmother. I have spent much time reflecting on those days, as I worry my daughter may be much like I was, and I am attempting to prepare myself to be able to support and understand her. I have also spent much time considering all the things my Mom did wrong/could have done differently. I am ashamed to say that I have not spent much time thinking about how my Mother felt in those days/months/years. Thank you for leading me to consider what she went through. I think I owe her a phone call
I’m sorry that you and your son find yourselves in a similar situation. I found that the time at my Gramma’s was a blessing. If we wouldn’t have had that time apart, I am not sure where we would be now. My parents and I did find our way back to one another. I hope that you and your son do, as well.
I’m glad to hear that you have been able to repair your relationship with your parents. You seemed to have “turned out” fairly well, so that’s encouraging too!
praying for you. hugs
Thank you.
My dear human and wonderful Sharla, I remember when both our boys strayed during their teen years. I spent many an hour crying before the Lord to bring them back. I really thought it was hopeless and it may have been without the Lord. I had to completely let go and just let God deal with them when and how He would. And He answered my prayers better than I could have ever imagined. Both are serving the Lord, are ministering in the church and are men of integrity – not perfect, mind you, but human, following God as best they know how. What more could I ask for? Please know, Sharla, God has a special heart for mamma’s – He too has a mamma heart and a Father’s heart. I kept reminding the Lord and myself that He promised to give us the desire of our heart and my greatest desire was that my boys would follow Him. He does not fail -He cannot fail – and He will not fail! He will continue to speak to your boy and call him and lead him and give him opportunity after opportunity to live for Jesus. Sharla, I remember working with your family in those earlier days and I can attest that you and Mark are wonderful parents and I also know that the decision to adopt was not made lightly but with a lot of prayer. God who gave you peace about adoption and worked all the details out did not make a mistake – so people who think otherwise are welcome to their erroneous opinion! I say a hearty AMEN to Karen`s prayer. Please know you and your family are loved and respected – all of them!
Love, Carol
You have no idea how much that means to me, Carol. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Sharla,
You have SO many amazing support people here! WOW. Their words to YOU have been encouraging ME as a ripple effect! I encourage you to read and re-read all of the prayers and words that have been written here, especially when the enemy wants to get you down! You are much like me in that you worry about what other people are going to think (although, I am 10 times worse!!!!). It is really hard, but, you just have to speak against the lies of the enemy and not let them take a minute in your heart or mind. No one has walked a mile in your shoes, so no one knows exactly what YOUR family is experiencing. So, let judgement fall on deaf ears. Listen to these people who love you and speak from HOPE! If it were not for HOPE and GRACE, then what would we have???? Your precious boy is a trillion times more loved by his Heavenly Father than he is by you guys….imagine THAT!??? I also have to say, that some people might be well meaning and try to say something “helpful”, but it comes across all wrong (ME!!). I have experienced that over and over and OVER again with adoption, and just have to stop being hurt and focusing on how awful they were for saying what they did, and step back to realize that they have NO CLUE!! They have not been in my position, and they truly don’t know what to say….though they may have good intentions. God is our only true comforter! I wish I could take my own advise!! I am the first person to call up a friend, or go on-line….I want to NEED God more and more. WOW….am I ever off track and babbling here!! Anyways….I appreciate you sharing, and being real, so the rest of us are more willing to be real too! I am terrified of the future for my oldest already, and have found myself frozen in fear, only to be mobilized by authoritarianism (is that a word??), and a heavy legalistic stance. That needs to change, and soon, because I feel her slipping away. BUT again, if I speak these things, Satan gets the upper hand, so instead I need to seek wisdom and pray my butt off for her!!!
I hope anything I said made ANY sense!!! I really really hope we get to see you on Sat. if the invite is still on!!
A MILLION ZILLION HUGS
Shannon
I have been humbled and blown away by the responses I have gotten today after “going public”. I feel like God is using people’s words to carry me because the last few weeks have been so hard and today, I have so much more peace.
Yes, Saturday is still on and I really hope you can come. I would love to see you! It’s been far too long!
Sharla
I know what it is to walk in the steps that makes you feel like you are a terrible parent. I also know that you are not. I have had many, many, many struggles with my middle child. We honestly grasped at straws trying to find anything at all that would help. Each child is different and no matter if its your first or your 20th it is always a challenge trying to find just what works best for each one.
Know that if this is working right now then it is the best for now. Also know that it might always be the case. Know that you have many friends and family that care for you and are praying for you. (myself included)
The mother’s guilt quite frankly sucks, but alas it is very much apart of all moms’ lifes.
Be confindent in knowing that you will get through this.
Sherri
Sherri, thank you for sharing a bit about your story. It helps to feel like I’m not the only one who has walked through this. Thank you also for your prayers.
Always remember it is not over until it is over. That is especially true if Jesus is invited into the situation. What a joy that you can parent your son through your prayers during this hard time! Press on in Jesus!
Blessings.
Thank you Julie. I don’t know where I would be without my faith right now!
I have being repenting a lot over ways I have judged others in my life. I have been focusing on one or two things about them and not rejoicing in all that God made them to be.
Judging is something that I have wrestled with too over the years, but thankfully, God is teaching me (often painfully!) not to judge anyone because I have not walked in their shoes. Ugh, hard lessons!
thankful that your family is able to support him, being a teenager is hard, your honesty is a fabulous, hang in there.