Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about our perceptions of each other as moms. It’s easy for me to slip into the negative cycle of comparing myself to others and feeling like everyone else has it so much more together than me. When I read other blogs or talk to other moms, I imagine that their floors are sparkling, their children are well behaved, and their days are organized. This adds to my shame over the state of my house, my guilt over my kids’ behaviours, and my stress about my disorganization. I imagine them cooking every meals from scratch using all the food groups and feel embarrassed about my kids sometimes making themselves peanut butter sandwiches for lunch or me feeding them scrambled eggs for supper. I look at these other moms, at the parts of their lives I can see, and feel that I come up short.
But that’s the thing…I am only able to see the parts of their lives that they want me to see. I don’t see that maybe they struggle with controlling their temper with their husband or binge eating or yelling at their kids or drowning under laundry. I don’t see their insecurities or their flaws. I don’t hear about real issues their kids are having. Some moms may share that their 2 year old tantrums or their baby still isn’t sleeping through the night, but most don’t share that their 9 year old is still having tantrums or their teen is sneaking out at night. I’m just as guilty of it as the next person. And in our effort to make everything look like it is okay, we are isolating ourselves and making each other feel inadequate.
Then again, I want to be a positive person, an optimistic person. If all I ever shared were the hard things, this would be a pretty depressing blog! I guess it’s about balance.
One of the biggest reasons that this has been on my mind lately is because I lost a relationship in my life because of comparison. A friend or family member of mine told others for many years that it was hard having me in her life. In her words, “she has seven kids, homeschools, and does everything. How can I compete with that?” When the people she was saying this to told me what she had said, my response to them was to joke, “If I had known it was a competition, I’d have been trying a lot harder!”, but in truth, it hurt. It hurt because I had shared my struggles with this person. I had shown her my imperfections, my messy house, my weaknesses. I had shared with her my insecurities and fears about my failings as a mom and she still felt intimidated by me, by what strangers thought of me. She was so worried about being compared to me and coming up short that she instead began to distance herself from me and even take actions and speak words that were hurtful.
I am sad that comparison, the misperception of others, and perhaps jealousy resulted in the loss of a friendship with someone who had been in my life for a long time and due to circumstances will be in my life for many years to come. I sometimes examine the role that I played in the end of the relationship and wonder if I had been more transparent (not to her, because I was transparent to her), but to mutual acquaintances and strangers, if the relationship would still be there. Then again, I can’t imagine introducing myself to someone for the first time and saying, “hi. My name is Sharla. Yes, I do have seven kids, but my house is a disaster, I often feel like a failure, and I second guess my parenting decisions all the time.”
At the end of the day, I can’t change that I have a big family and choose to homeschool. I also can’t change that I find it fun to plan parties and do indoor activities with my kids. If it were a competition, I may “beat” some other moms in the party planning department, but I would lose every time in the ‘housekeeping’ category or in the ‘outdoor activities with kids’ category. God made each of us with gifts and with weaknesses. Organization does not come naturally for me. I don’t like going outside. Keeping house or keeping a schedule are also not on my list of talents. When I compare myself to others in these areas, I am always going to feel like a failure.
I’d love to wrap up this post with some lovely words of wisdom or platitude about how this problem among women can be solved, but I don’t have the answers. I have resolved to be more transparent, both in my real life and in my blogging. Helping others know that they are not the only ones who struggle with clutter or organization or insecurities is one of the reasons that I started this blog. It is the reason that I have been willing to display real pictures of the mess in my house and document the truth about my struggles to overcome it. That hasn’t been easy for me. It’s been a bit embarrassing, but if I hadn’t done it, I would have missed out on the comments from others who said things like “my kids saw the picture and thought it was our house” or “I’m so glad I’m not the only one”. Those comments help reassure me that no human being is perfect. I am not the only one.
P.S. Anyone with suggestions on what to do about a hypothetical teenager who continuously sneaks out of the house in the middle of the night no matter what the consequences please provide them in the comments section!
Thanks for this heartfelt post. Comparison is a killer. It took me a long time to look at myself and see *my* strong suits and stop comparing. Whether it was housekeeping, homeschooling, where I lived, what extra activities I provided for my children, I always thought others were doing it better. I have worked very hard to let go of that. And, when I don’t compare, I can truly appreciate other mom’s accomplishments and glean from them in a heathly way.
So sorry about your friendship. Losses like that are hard to handle.
As for sneaking out of the house… that one we have not dealt with yet!
Driving too fast, staying out too late, “forgetting” to tell us that the friend they are visiting is 60 miles away at college an not at home just a few miles away… if you want to talk about any of those!
Lori, you are so right about how it is when we stop comparing ourselves that we can celebrate each other’s accomplishments and learn from each other. And what you wrote about some of what you’ve been through with your kids made me smile (not because I am happy that others have struggles, but because it makes me feel less alone)!
Frankly Sharla, if you’ve got seven kids and they’re all fed, clean and reasonably happy, I think you’re doing just fine! I only have one daughter, and I still have those feelings you’re describing – I think we all do. Sometimes I actually feel guilty about that – I think, wow, a lot of my friends work full time and have two or three kids, and I think I’m busy with one kid and no paid employment! (maybe that’s how your friend felt?) I have to remind (or try to convince!) myself that just because someone else has a little more going on than I do, that doesn’t make my difficulties insignificant. Everyone has different struggles to deal with. And you’re so right – if we would acknowledge that fact to one another, we’d probably all be a lot more secure in ourselves.
(Actually, you sound a lot like me… Party planning? Tick. Birthday cakes? Tick. Doing crafts etc? Tick. Roaring around the back yard for three hours and then coming in to my sparkling clean house? Not so much…) ;o)
You are absolutely right about one person’s struggles not being more than another’s…just different. As they say, “pain is pain is pain is pain”.
Man, I’m glad you wrote that! Just the other day, when I was reading your blog about h/schooling for this coming year, and all of the plans you had for the year, and how you’d felt badly about not having finalized plans yet, etc, all I kept thinking was – oh shoot, I haven’t even THOUGHT about h/schooling for this fall yet and have no idea how/what I’m going to do!
I also have struggles keeping organized, maintaining house, sticking to a schedule, etc so you’re in good company with me!!
And what’s wrong with scrambled eggs for supper, may I ask? Throw some bread into the toaster, slice a few bananas, put some tomatoes or broccoli in the eggs and pour a glass of milk…balanced meal! And frankly, even if it’s ‘just’ scrambled eggs and nothing else, you got some good into them…and you can give them vitamins for the rest.
I say all of this, and yet hold myself to some pretty unattainable standards. I struggle with it constantly and wish I could just relax and enjoy my strengths (and others) and not worry about the perceptions.
OK, I could go on and on, but won’t.
Blessings, friend!!! You’re A-OK in my books.
R
Thanks Ruth! That means a lot.
By the way, I largely took a year off homeschooling when our kids first got home and I’d highly recommend either doing that or at least taking a few extra months off or doing a modified (ie. more relaxed) version of homeschooling this year in your situation. That’s part of the beauty of homeschooling!
Goodness, if i could put my thoughts into words as eloquently as you do, i could leave a decent comment
(But then i’d probably have written a book because the thoughts flying through my mind are so numerous!)
Some people try to justify my stress based on the number of children i have, and i think to myself, “but what about those families who have more kids than i do, and still seem to manage so much better” ~ and yes, mentally i have compared myself to you, and even if it leaves me feeling a bit (or a lot) like a failure, i still REALLY appreciate you! You are real/transparent enough that i would rather learn from you (“how do you manage to do it all?”) than be jealous, or intimidated to the point of walking away. Even so, i’m still guilty of comparing myself to others, or being intimidated by what people might think…
Sorry for your loss Sharla, and sorry i don’t have advice in dealing with the hypothetical teen sneaking out… but thanks for the great post.
Karen, I don’t do it all. Some things don’t get done (housework mostly), some things get done poorly (missing appointments because I forget or not doing a good job of what I do), and for lots of things, I have help. I actually have been thinking about doing a post about that very thing (answering the “how do you manage to do it all?” question).
I was REALLY bad about this for ages. I think I have moved past comparing how clean houses are, who has nicer stuff, more well behaved kids, better meals, etc. Now I get really frustrated around my kids special needs, especially little T’s. I find other people “comparing” their kids issues with T’s when in reality their kids have no issues. I am not sure if they are making it up to try and make me feel better, or what, but it really gets to me. Plus, and this is where I need to get my head out of my butt, I find myself comparing our struggles with T over the last 2 years, to families who have come home more recently and feel like we are such failures, because T is still struggling with things that everyone else moves past in their first few months home. I have a hard time not comparing sometimes and this bothers me. In fact I have stopped reading a lot of blogs because I hate the very small, and inacccurate picture most people paint of their lives through their blogs. I think it fuels this unfair comparisons.
As for teenagers, I was the worst of the worst. The best thing my parents did for me, was make sure that I knew, no matter what, no matter what time of day/night, where I was, what the circumstances were, I could phone home for help. One time I found myself stranded downtown in a very unsafe situation at 3am, I called, they came, no questions asked. Other nights they might question, but that night, I did exactly what they asked, I made the right decision to keep myself self. So no questions asked. It is hard, but make sure he always knows that no matter what he has done, you are there for him. It can not be all about rules and punishment. Hope this makes sense.
Hey Sharla,
That was very well written. In fact, I liked it so much, I linked it to my Facebook. I hope you don’t mind! I often post photos of the fun things we are doing, or recipes of yummy things I am baking and people often say to me how I am some kind of super-mom. I just laugh and think ‘wow, you should see the 3 weeks worth of laundry piled up needing to be folded.’ I too, really am not a huge fan of the outdoor activities. Wuuld not mind so much if I lived in California, but cold wet BC happens to be our residence, so given the choice of indoor activities or outdoor, I’m usually in.
Anyway, thanks for posting this. It’s something many mom’s do and we really shouldn’t. No one is ‘perfect’, no matter what they display to the outside world. We all need to be more ‘real’.
Thanks Claire! I am definitely going to be trying to be more ‘real’.
Hey,
I dont’ have any answers for you on your sneaking out teen… what a difficult thing to deal with
All i wanted to say was I have heard SO many stories of teenagers who were just plain bad-ass for awhile. Got themselves into all sorts of trouble, put there parents through so much crap, but after a few years (or a few plus a few) they figured it out. The power of prayer is an incredible thing. Even though we don’t always see it being answered in the day to day. He’s looking out for your teen, and always will. Just keep up the praying. Even when your faith is failing, mine isn’t and I really believe it’ll turn around and he’ll use all his awesome qualities for the right things instead of the wrong!
That doesn’t discount how hard it must be as a parent to watch your teen make all the wrong choices
Hey Sharla, you totally got me thinking, and I think social media plays into this a lot. I know for years I struggled (actually it is only since I started talking openly about my uterus falling out and I quit a lot of FB friends/blogs, etc that this got better), and it was always because of things people were posting on Facebook, Twitter, their blogs, message boards, etc. I find these mediums become a place to brag – Oh look at the great meals I am planning, look at the fantastic party I threw complete with hand made imported du-dads and shiny sprinkles of organic fairy dust, look at my wonderful maid who cleans my house, look at all the amazing places I take my family to, look at me going on a DATE with my hubby, Look at me going out by myself to enjoy my own thing, etc. etc.
Ok, if I start talking about it, I guess there still is a lot of bitterness there! LOL
The bragging and boasting, even if it is not intended that way, just becomes too much. People are only sharing the shiny stuff. They think the struggles should not be shared for some reason.
I think we need to keep it more real. One of my friends just posted about how she was visiting friends with her kids and her 3 year old pooped on their carpet. She did not brag about the visit and rarely shares all the “shiny stuff” she does with her family (and they have lots of shiny she could brag about!), instead she shares “poop”. Now that is a friend I want to keep around.
Many days I think social media is just one great big high school and quite frankly you could not pay me enough to go back to high school.
I totally agree Shelley, but I also have a tendency to be guilty of it myself because I struggle with how to balance my kids’ privacy with venting my frustrations publicly. The three year old pooping at someone’s house, I could see sharing, but not say a 15 year old getting caught doing something they shouldn’t be. It’s something I’m wrestling with lately because I feel like a phoney if all I post is the happy stuff because there is sure a lot of hard mixed in there too.
Ahhhhhh Sharla, I love your honesty. I have been there on the comparison game too and often still am. I remember God revealed something a few years ago to me. I had been praying about my parenting and I said God why cant’ I be a parent like Jane or Like Pam. They probably never yell at their kids and never lose their temper. The following morning I was at bible study withJane and she shared how she yelled and spanked her children. I was shocked. You mean she is a real mom?? who knew?
I always thought she was perfect.
I am one of those moms who tries to have a clean house and everything organized. i like order, BUT in doing that it is also very frustrating with 7 kids in the home as you know. i get very tired of asking kids to pick up stuff, to put things away. A messy house makes me cranky. This is a FAULT. I dont’ like it. I dont’ like how I REACT to it. This past year ave gone for counselling to help me change how I react to it and why i do. I want to ease up. I want my kids to not remember how clean our house but how much fun we had.
This morning the kids all sat in different chairs at breakfast and were being the person in whose chair they were sitting. I didn’t like how i was portrayed this morning.
On the positive side I do like doing fun things. I do like having parties with the kids and going out etc.
My soap box for awhile and still is “confess your sins to one another” I believe that God says that in James not for us to confess our dirty secrets, but so that we can say “Hey me too, I have been there” . Or Now i dont’ have to let satan beat me up and whisper lies to me because the truth is out and the truth shall set you free.”
Its also so we can continue to encourage and support each other as we go about our daily lives.
I have been parenting for 32 years now. I have made and continue to make huge mistakes. But i know that God can fix the wrong i have done and as long as i am trying and keep asking for God to help me I know i am going the right way.
I am doing a bible study right now and this week you had to pick one area from a list on what you need to work on. Mine is ” to reduce all my earthly expectations to as close to zero as I can. ” I have to let go that life will unfold according to my will, my timeline and my desires. Reduce my expectations of myself and of others. this is a tough one for me.
We are all indeed imperfect and should let people know that we are not perfect, never will be, BUT are striving to do what we are called to do as well as we can.
I better end this before It becomes a novel. Thanks for being honest and confessing your sins to us.
as for the teenage son. We had a daughter who was doing that. For a week or so she had to either sleep in our room, or upstairs with one of the other children where it made it a little more difficult to leave. A threat of installing bars and alarms on doors and windows was also an option and discussed openly with her. As we were planning a move to a new home the possiblity of her not having a basement bedroom was also on the table. Also social activites were cut back. We still allowed recreational activities in community and youth group etc, but outings with friends and adult supervision were cut back as well as any social networking.
We also went for counselling to talk about it with a neutral party who could share the dangers etc with her and so we could set up the consequences together with a time line and boundaries etc . I Find having someone else helped for her to listen . I said the same things but it doesn’t come across the same.
it may sound harsh on what was done but as i said we did it all together with a game plan. If you show you are repsonsible you will get this back. and the more you do the more you get back and then some.
She has done so well. To the point that tonight i came down and the table was set for dinner, without being asked. And i said I love you thank you for doing this. She said I like having the things I do and I don’t want to lose them agian. If i show I am responsible its a win win.
Karen, I’m working on the expectations thing too. Thank you for sharing about your sneaking out teen experience. It helps not only to learn from others, but also to hear that other parents have been through that kind of thing.
Some houses try to hide the fact that children shelter there.
Ours boasts of it quite openly, the signs are everywhere!
For smears are on the windows and little smudges are on the door.
I should apologize, I guess, for the toys shrewn on the floor.
But I sat down with the children and we played and laughed and read;
and if the doorbell doesn’t shine, their eyes will shine instead.
For when at times I’m forced to choose the one job or the other . . .
I want to be a housewife – but first I’ll be a mother!
Love it!
That’s awesome, Karen – did you write it? And if not, where’d you get it from? I love it.
Love this post. I feel it almost daily. I feel compared, criticized, and never enough. But what is enough. I’e become my worst enemy listening to all the crap. About a month ago I began weeding my garden. It was hard to start but it felt good to be rid of some negativity. Today I listened to my sons interview on CBC and instead of focusing more on being so proud of my 6 year old (I was but lost focus) I worried what others thought when he pulled a 6yo boy stunt and innocently made me out to be a liar has he misinterpreted the past and told the host his version. And I agree with Shelley. I get tired of reading perfection on Facebook status’. Just one more thing to compare myself to.
Sheri, I would have been focused on the same thing when it came to the interview, then kicking myself for it, then allowing guilt to rob me of joy, etc. I get it. And what is enough?
Sharla, you’re amazing, amazing to share this openly, brave to do it when many cower back in a corner and pretend nothing is wrong. You know me, I work 2 jobs, 4 kids, pets, house, life and oh yeah the Motherhood thing too! I get the “you have so much energy” “how do you do it all” all the time. Well, I don’t do it all, some weeks are better than others and yes, some people will be intimidated by you, but that is their insecurity to deal with, they will come around, and when they do, your friendship will blossom again. They will see the light that friendship is much stronger and supportive than a clean house, a perfect life (ha, that’s a good oxymoron) and oh by the way “common sense” of your “friend”, well like they say, Common Sense really isn’t that common!
(insert finger snap) you go girlfriend!
Sneaky Teen: hmmmmm, I would take away all privledges until reality hit in, or change the lock on the door, then when they try to get in again, alas, they will spend the night wondering why, by morning, they will have figured it out!
cheers friend
PS I am wanting to do the freezer meal thing within the next couple weeks, can I borrow one of your cookbooks?
Thanks Rhonda! You can absolutely borrow one of my cookbooks for freezer meals or both of them.
I make scrambled eggs for supper all the time. =) Having seven children or just one doesn’t make anyone more or less organized, or a good or bad mother. This post goes right to the main issue of being real and accepting ourselves right where we are.
I have been away from the computer for about a week because I’ve been moving. Now that my living room is completely full of boxes and my life seems to be a huge mess it is amazing how this post is exactly what I needed to read. I love your honesty and your willingness to be real.
I’m going to take what you wrote to heart. Hopefully I can be much more accepting of my faults and flaws and write more honest posts.
P.S. I don’t have a teenager, so I would have no idea how to handle that type of situation.
Lynda,
Moving is so stressful. The last thing you need right now is to pile more expectations on yourself. I hope you do take this to heart and give yourself a break. P.S. I’m not sure if you noticed but your comments on my de-cluttering articles inspired me to get back at it and start again, so thank you. I am still muddling through.
I did read that before our big move. It is wonderful that we are able to motivate each other. I’m realizing I have a huge issue with hoarding. I’ve been organizing clutter for so many years it never occurred to me I was making myself and my son unhappy.
I am taking a big tip from you and purging my home of 50 items every day. I’m not brave enough for the 100 items yet, but maybe the more I get into it the more I’ll let go of.
Thank you for the inspiration! =)
50 a day is a lot, especially with all that’s going on in your life right now. Glad to hear that you are making progress!
Great post. I try not to compare myself with other bloggers, because you are right, we are only seeing a small piece of their life, and it is only what they want us to see.
And about the sneaking out at night, my only thought is to get an alarm, don’t tell the code, and set it at night.
Good luck!
Oh, and thanks for linking up to the NOBH!
Great post! We all struggle with the comparison thing, sometime it even keeps us from doing what we can and should do. All of us shine in some area and in other areas, not so much
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Just keeping it real: My house wouldn’t be clean without my helper, I can’t throw a party to save my life and my 9yo can rival my 1yo with her tantrums
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Best of luck with your teenager, I gave my mom a run for her money, but in the end after her putting up with all the drama, I loved her even more. We had a great relationship from college on.
Paige, it helps to hear that you have a great relationship with your mom now even though you tested things as a teen. And your “confessions” made me laugh!
Yes, yes, yes! My house ALWAYS loses the attention-for-my-time contest, so it’s, uh, less, than showpiece clean. (How’s this for reality: We got a puppy on Sat. My kitchen floor is now CLEANER than it was pre-pup, b/c at least now, I’m wiping up puppy puddles and the corresponding few inches of dirty kitchen floor a couple of time a day)
Maybe we should get a puppy then!!!
Hi sharla
My best friend recently adopted and through her blog I found yours. I found this post to resonate so deep within me. Although you don’t know me I wanted you to know that I have often heard the ” how do you do it?” and it was so refreshing to read your post and understand that others don’t see my weaknesses because I don’t let them!! I’m not sure why we, as educated, modern women, still feel the need to achieve perfection in so many areas. Thank you for helping me to see that being perfect isn’t the ultimate goal but being the best person I can be is. My children are all still young so I don’t have any hypothetical teenagers yet but I definitely gave my parents a run for their money. I think the best thing they did was let me learn some of my lessons the hard way but knew when to draw a firm line. Good luck. And thanks so much.
Thanks Brandi! It’s a lesson that I am still learning.
Hey there,
I love that you are striving to be transparent. I think it’s extremely important. I chose to be as transparent ad possible after reading another mom’s blog and feeling like a failure by comparison. I chose to make my blog a place to be real. (Perhaps that’s why i dont have many readers….I think some people can’t handle real). Anyway, in an effort to be “real” I wanted to share this little bit of encouragement: the relationship between you and the woman you are talking about here isn’t past reconciliation until one of you is dead. It’s never too late to repair
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