Following yesterday’s post about when your family is a walking ad for a certain type of non-traditional role, I received a lot of comments both on the blog, on Facebook and via e-mail. The main issue people raised was not knowing how to handle when strangers ask rude questions. I can only speak for myself and how I have chosen to handle that situation. I can also speak to what I have found to be the most effective method over the years of trial and error in this regard.

I want to first clarify that I am not speaking about the usual curious questions that families that stand out get when in public. These techniques are for using only when the questions or comments are rude and spoken in a tone that conveys that rudeness.

There are three main ways that I think these scenarios can be handled…by being blunt, by being honest or by being cheesy. I will give several examples of each of these in real world scenarios to give you a good foundation on how they work and then I will tell you which one I have found to be by far the most effective.

“How much did she cost?”

Blunt – “I’m sorry about the look on my face but I am honestly shocked that you would speak about my daughter as though she were a piece of furniture!”

Honest - ”There is no price tag on human beings. If you are asking how much her adoption cost because adoption is something you are considering, I would be happy to give you the phone number of our adoption agency.”

Cheesy – “Like all of my children, she is priceless!”

“Where is her real mom?”

Blunt – “Her real mom is standing right in front of you.”

Honest – “It is generally accepted to use words such as ‘biological’ or ‘first parent’ when referring to what I assume you are referring to, however I am about as real as it gets!”

Cheesy – “I am so proud to be her real mom. Aren’t I blessed?!”

“How do you handle being with them all day? If I had to homeschool, I think I’d kill myself.” (yes, all of these are honestly questions I have fielded over the years!)

Blunt – “If I had to homeschool your kids, I’d feel the same way!” (ok, I’m kidding! I would NEVER actually say that!)

Honest – “There are certainly days when it is a challenge but I rely on God for my patience when I get to the end of myself and He hasn’t let me down yet.”

Cheesy – “Their childhoods goes by so quickly and I don’t want to miss a moment!”

“My kids knew better at that age.” (in reference to my then-9 year old tantrumming)

Blunt – “Congratulations on raising your neurotypical kids well!” (I probably couldn’t say that with a straight face.)

Honest – “Some special needs are invisible and compassion goes a long way.”

Cheesy – “It has been both a challenge and a privilege to raise a child with special needs but I wouldn’t trade him for the world!”

I previously wrote more on some of the real world questions we have encountered that are so strange they just boggle my mind and on how I chose to respond to them.

Another way that works to some degree is to speak in generalities like in the case where someone asks:

“Were they orphaned?”

Generalities – “Children come to adoption for a variety of reasons. Some of these reasons include poverty, their first family being unable to care for them due to illness, the death of one or both parents, war or famine, or a first parent making an adoption plan for their child.”

“Why don’t you just have your own children?”

Generalities – “People choose adoption for a variety of reasons. These reasons may include infertility, secondary infertility, feeling called to adopt, or wanting to provide a home for one of the more than 147 million orphans in the world.”

The benefit of generalities is that it allows you to answer the question without divulging any of your child’s personal story. The negative of generalities is that when using this technique, the answer is usually followed by many more questions.

The most important thing to keep in mind when answering any question:

The stranger standing in front of you will be in your life for a few minutes. Your kids who are within earshot of the conversation will be in your life forever. I tailor every answer so  that it builds my kids up and lets them know that I love them, am proud of them and would do it again (adopt them, birth them, homeschool them) in a heartbeat!

The most effective way to end the conversation but keep your kids’ hearts intact:

By far the single most effective way to shut down conversations that are making you uncomfortable is to use either the cheesy technique or to bring God into it because who can argue with God? An example would be:

“Why would anyone choose to have this many children?”

God - “God called me to this and I’m so glad He did. It has been a challenge but such an incredible blessing!”

(Do you see how I combined giving God the glory and the cheesy technique?!)

By using the cheesy technique, you are able to stop the conversation before it starts while at the same time reinforcing to your kids that they are a blessing.

Keep the conversation going in the car.

After a rude encounter with a stranger, I feel that it is important to acknowledge it with your kids afterwards to see if it brought up any feelings in them that they need to discuss. You may choose to say something such as, “you know when that woman in the store asked me why you were brown, how did that make you feel?” It’s also appropriate after they have shared your feelings to share your own feelings about the situation too in an age-appropriate way that keeps the child’s dignity intact. You can also turn it into a learning experience by discussing what sorts of questions are and are not appropriate to ask of strangers.

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When your family in one way or another fits outside what society deems the norm, you become (whether you like it or not) an ad for the particular thing that sets you apart.

If you are a homeschooler and you take your kids out grocery shopping during the day on a weekday, people may ask why your kids aren’t in school and when you or your kids reply that they are homeschooled, you become their image of what homeschoolers are.

If you are a transracial adoptive family and you go out in public ever, you become the image for people of what an adoptive family is.

If you have a large family and you go out and are asked “are they all yours?” or “are you babysitting?”, from the minute you open your mouth to answer, you have become in that person’s mind, the image of what a large family is.

If you are a single parent family, a two parent family with an only child, a stay-at-home mom, a family who shuns technology, a family with a special needs child, a Christian family, anything and everything that sets you apart from what is considered “normal”, you inadvertently become a walking ad for that particular group that you represent. This is an important responsibility. You can shape and mould people’s opinions of the type of family you represent by how you conduct yourself.

Does this mean that when you are out, your children need to have perfect behaviour? No! Not at all! In my opinion, once you are aware that you represent a certain group that people may have already developed stereotypes for, you just need to represent it well in the following ways:

Be gracious. Yes, the questions can be annoying and even offensive. Yes, your time is precious and being stopped by strangers to ask you the same questions over and over again can eat that time up. But if you keep in mind that this person is formulating an opinion not about you, but about the entire group that you represent, then answering their questions graciously can positively impact their perspective for others who will go after you as well.

Be prepared. By rehearsing responses to common questions ahead of time, you can save time and you can answer in a way you won’t regret later. You won’t, however be able to prepare for every question. Even now, years after becoming a family that stands out, I am still sometimes shocked and caught off guard by some of the strange questions I get asked, especially when they are asked in front of my children.

Prepare your children. Discuss with your kids the concept that because your family looks different than some families or has made different choices than some families, you may get questioned and that in a way, you are representing all homeschool families or all adoptive families or all “insert title here” families. Explain that people are naturally curious. Be sure to rehearse with them some non-answers as well that are polite but protect their privacy. These can include things such as “those aren’t things we share with people outside of our family but it was nice to meet you. Have a great day.” or “I’m not comfortable answering that because I don’t know you, but there are a lot of good answers on the internet about adoption.”

Role play different scenarios at home so that your kids are pros before they are even put in the situation. For example, pretend that you are a cashier at the grocery store and ask them, “why aren’t you in school today?” and have them practise saying, “I am homeschooled so this is school” or “I’m homeschooled and I love it” or “I’m homeschooled so this is like recess” or whatever answer the two of you come up with together that they are comfortable with.

Show compassion. This is similar to showing grace. By understanding that human beings are curious by nature and that there are even things that we are curious about because we are unfamiliar with them, we can show compassion to the ignorant comments or questions that may come our way.

Be an ambassador. When we used to be foster parents, I carried business cards for our foster agency with me and sometimes even pamphlets because I found that often the reason that people asked questions was that they, themselves had considered fostering or adopting and they were looking for more information. Now I carry a business card with this blog address as well as the one for my adoption blog.

I find the same is often true for homeschooling. Sometimes they have a family member who has chosen to homeschool and they are worried about them and when they see your seemingly functional family out in the community, it helps set their mind at ease.

I often think of Michelle Duggar when I am confronted with situations where it feels like our family is almost under scrutiny. Whether or not you agree with her family’s choices (they are a Christian, homeschooling family with 19 children who have a reality TV series), there is no denying that she always portrays children as a blessing and that she spreads that message through her words and actions. She is an ambassador for appreciating and cherishing your children and if I can emulate that even some of the time, then I am succeeding.

Use judgement and discretion. I am not suggesting that you stop everything you are doing to have a half an hour conversation with everyone who asks you about your lifestyle choices. You will be able to tell about thirty seconds into a conversation if the person is asking out of sheer curiosity or if it is because they have some sort of a personal connection and want more information for a purpose. If the latter is the case, you may choose to have a more in-depth conversation or you may choose to exchange email addresses to provide them with more information that way. Be sure to also use discretion not to share things that are private with strangers.

Our experience. We are obviously not what society considers a “normal” family. We are used to being the “poster family” for…you name it! We were foster parents for eight years, five of our children are adopted; we have a large family; we homeschool; we are Christians; we are a transracial family; we are a family with special needs children; I am a stay-at-home mom. I am used to the stares and the questions and feeling like we are under a microscope when we go out. I have chosen to use it as a positive. I feel like it is a privilege to be able to represent adoption and homeschooling, two things I am passionate about. I feel that our having so many kids speaks to our feeling that children are a blessing.

But being this walking ad can also be exhausting. The stares and the scrutiny can feel like judgement when I am out and about with the kids if we are having a bad day or if their behaviour is less than stellar in public. Some days, I wish we could just run into the store and grab some milk without being stopped three times and asked twenty questions. We chose this life though, this slightly unusual life that inspires curiosity and questions and we have tried to make the best of it.

How does your family handle being a walking ad?

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